I’m actually going through two Bible Studies right now. This week’s chapter in each study was on Fear. I think God is trying to tell me something. In fact, I know He is trying to tell me something. While working through Fear, I came across this awesome video by Francis Chan. I’ve seen it many times, and you probably have too. But it’s SO good and so inspiring. Please watch it again. I do NOT want to cling to the balance beam my whole life. I want to actually use the skills that God gave me, and dismount with confidence when it’s time for judgement. How about you?
God is doing some work on me right now. It’s good. It’s a little scary and painful, but good. I’ve been asking Him for a few years to help me dig up those things in my heart that do not please Him. Well, He took me seriously and He is doing it.
Right now at church we are in a series, called Counterfeit Love. It’s based on the book “Counterfeit Gods” by Tim Keller. Our small group is reading the book along with the sermon series and then discussing it every two weeks. It’s been extremely eye-opening to me. Not only am I going through this book and the sermon series, but I’m also going through Jennie Allen’s “Stuck” Bible Study with a group of my friends. All of these things combined are proving to be God’s tools in continuing to shape of my character.
I think God was tired of seeing me struggle and complain, when He knew the root of the problem all along. I havent’ been trusting Him enough, believing Him enough, pursuing Him enough and worst of all, I have been putting other “idols” above Him. Yuck.
And the thing is, my heart has been pretty sneaky. All the things I worry about and focus on are not bad, so they disguised themselves as maybe things I should worry about and should focus on. It’s all been a lie.
Now a moment of transparency. I worry about the silliest things. I worry that my to-do list hasn’t been done and that bugs me. I want all of my “to-do’s” done for the day and when they are not, I get uncomfortable, uneasy, frustrated and sometimes a little depressed. I’m serious. I have valued myself, to this point, by how much I can get done and accomplish in a day. If I feel I’ve tackled most of my to-do’s, and the house is clean, and everyone has clean underwear and dinner is ready and tasty, then maybe, just maybe I will feel good for the day.
Again, not bad things, but the wrong things. I can search and search, but I do not think I’ll ever find a verse in the Bible that says “Follow Jesus, but first make sure all your to-do’s are finished, the floor is swept, and all the laundry is done and dinner is cooked”. So why have I been living that way? I want to control my day and when it doesn’t go how I think it should go, I get upset, and sometimes I take it out on those I love the most. That’s messed up.
So the journey continues and God and I are working on getting this idol of control out of my heart. I am praying like crazy, reading His word and asking Him every morning to help take this junk out of my heart and to replace it with Him. I am looking at my to-do’s and understanding what is motivating them, and why I want to accomplish them. I’m trying to let God lead.
This is not going to be easy, we are talking about years of a bad habits ingrained in my being. Thankfully, God is strong enough to help me overcome this. I just have to let Him.